Humor

Back in April (it seems like an eon of Clinton ago!) FBI Director Robert Mueller gave a speech to the American Bar Association titled "Corporate Fraud and Public Corruption: Are We Becoming More Crooked?" The question was left open. Mueller wrapped up with a Teddy Roosevelt quote: "Character, in the long run, is the decisive factor in the life of an individual, and of nations alike."

"What are you working on today, Madam President?" asked Doctor Murchison.

"My plan to fix the housing crisis," said Hillary, without looking up.

Albany. The capital of New York. The heart of state government. Can't you feel the rhythm of the beat? Lub dub lub dub. Pols who make it there, don't need to go anywhere -- they can stay in Albany forever and ever and ever. The governor's mansion is akin to the hotel in "The Shining." After taking over, the new guy always goes barmy. He doesn't even have to live in it. Just throw an occasional reception.

Are you an American terrorist sympathizer but don't know how to strike back at the Great Satan? Afraid of getting arrested while your plot to blow up something or other is still half-baked? You don't have to worry anymore. Now, the Federal Bureau of Investigation and Central Intelligence Agency want to hire you.

Hot damn. The government is going to stimulate the economy. Not with a lap dance or lubricated love glove, but with taxpayer dollars. Come summer, Mister and Miz America will get a rebate from Uncle Sam. What a man! Some people will get more than a thou of their own money back. Consumers will rush out and pump the economy. Wal-Mart here we come. Simultaneously, just like in romance novels.

Halloween 2009. A big night at Castle Clinton. Aka the White House. Even though Bill Clinton is the first black ex-president, his face glows phosphorescent. Bill is thrilled. President Hillary has raised him from the international dead zone to serve as co-host of her first Halloween bash. "The Shadow Party" has Washington abuzz. Anybody who is anybody is coming to the costume ball.

Since September 11, 2001, getting in to the U.S. as a foreign visitor has become a harrowing experience. So much so, in fact, that foreign tourism is down 17% as many tourists choose to spend their holidays elsewhere rather than be poked, prodded, searched, fingerprinted and verbally abused by U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents.

Not to fear, though; the U.S. Department of Homeland Security and Department of State have done something about it.